It's Joke Time

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by alphawex on Mon Sep 08, 2008 9:05 pm

This was a hilarious Top Ten, and waaay too many entries to waste! So I'm so relieved to give you some of the other entries, especially the naughtier ones.
January 25, 2008 - The Top Ten Dumbest Thing You've Ever Heard Anyone Say
1. YnaKi - An Eat Bulaga contestant was asked by Joey and Vic: "Ano sa Tagalog ang grasshopper? Contestant: "Ahmm. . .Huling Hapunan?"
2. Idlepsych - It was an ex-PBB housemate (1st batch) who said this: "Big Brother, ginagawa po nila ako laughing stuff!"
3. Myckle Mouse - In Wowowee, the question was: "Kung ang sigaw ay shout sa Inggles, ano naman sa Tagalog ang whisper? The contestant answered: "Napkin!"
4. Dongster - While watchng the news yesterday about a kid killed by a bulldozer, our maid commented: "Kaya ayoko mag-alaga ng aso eh..."
5. No name - My friend and I were walking up the stairs of our schools new bldg. She said out of nowhere: Imagine mo kung di ginawa etong bldg, umaakyat tayo sa hangin?
6. Ker - My cousin at a DRIVE-THRU: Miss, puwedeng take out?
7. Loipogi - Nadia Montenegro promoting her movie: Please watch "The Life Story of Julie Vega", opening na po on the twenty-twoth of November..
8. Frederique - In a burger joint I heard a man say: "Miss, isa ngang amusing aloha at saka kidney meal. Server: Dine in po ba or to go? The man answered: Ayoko ng sago!"
9. No name - I was making cookies at home when I ran out of cookie sheets, so I called our maid and said: "Manang bili ka nga ng cookie sheet." And she replied: "Ano po, solo o litro?" (coke is it)
10. Marissa - My friend said: "Ang galing no, yung Ash Wednesday last year , Miyerkules din pumatak!
11. Jasmin - A non-Christian vendor selling a Last Supper painting: Ma'am bili po kayo ng frame, maganda po ito, Hesus and Company.
12. No name - While watching Apollo 13, after she heard the line: Houston, we have a problem. My ex-girlfriend asked: Sino si Houston?
13. Dukeman - My au nt was going to the US for the 1st time. She told us: Nagpapabili ang tita niyo ng autistic guitar. Saan ba nakakabili nun?
14. No name - We were marketing for an org event, when one of my orgmates wanted to clear the definition of the types of sponsors (Major, Minor, Patron, etc.) So she asked her grandma: Lola, anong mas mataas sa Patron? Her lola replied: Patron? Eh di Shell!
15. Ardiepot - Also in a gameshow. Host: Ano sa Tagalog ang "teeth"? Contestant: Utong!
16. Missy Ricat - I once heard an emcee say: Let's give her a warm of applause!
17. Epoy - One classmate in highschool said, Ang cute naman ng sintas mo, luminou! I corrected him and said, luminous! Then he replied, Oo nga pala, plural!
18. No name - Barker ng bus: Ah Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao!!! Pasahero: Boss, Cubao?
19. Jen - Sa isang gameshow, tinanong ng host: Anong "P" ang Tagalog ng storey o floor ng building? Contestan: PIP PLOR!
20. No name - An officemate of ours told us a story about driving alone in her car: Alam niyo, pag nag-iisa ako, feeling ko, wala akong kasama
21. Rome - I had a customer on the line who had a password on his account. I asked for the password but he forgot. I gave him a clue: It's a 4-digit number. He answered, Uhm, ROCKY?
22. Slowbyslow - I overheard a lady place an order at Starbucks: One cup of chino please.
23. Eve - An officemate once asked: Saan sa Quezon City ang Mandaluyong?
24. Asht - I had a meeting with a friend and I noticed that both of us were wearing stripes. He suddenly blurted out: Uy, stripes din! It's the color of the d ay!
25. Ruby - My sister said of our neighbor who was our arch enemy: Mamatay na sana kapitbahay natin! I told her not to say that, coz it might bounce back to us. Then she said, Ah ganun ba yun? In that case, mamatay na sana tayo!
26. No name - When I saw that I got a missed call, I said, Hey, I got a missed call! My friend said, Anong sabi?
27. Jonalou22 - From the gameshow The Weakest Link. Host Edu Manzano asked: Anong "T" ang ibinibigay ng konduktor pag nagbayad ka ng pamasahe sa bus? Ian Veneracion answered: TUKLI!
28. Joeygirl - We were reviewing for an exam and we were already dead tired. A classmate said, Hala, brownout! Pagtingin namin, nakapikit pala siya.
29. Eliteblood - A call center agent told a foreign customer regarding the changing of the due date of her credit card: Maam, I already changed your monthly period.
30. Draco's Biatch - A home economics teacher asked us: How do you make wet floor and tow duff? Translation: How do you make wheat flour and tough dough
31. Kate Molds - During a shower party for my friend, the married women were giving tips on the do's & dont's of sexual intercourse, when the bride asked: Hindi ba kasama yung betlog sa pinapasok?
32. Loi Pogi - Melanie Marquez: Ang tatay ko lang ang only living legend na buhay pa.

_________________
[embed-flash(width,height)]life is short, ride hard![/embed-flash]

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by khupz on Thu Sep 11, 2008 9:44 am

Misis: Delayed ako nang one month pero huwag mo munang
ipagsabi. Nahihiya ako...
Mister: Okey.
Kinabukasan, dumating ang taga-Meralco. ..
Taga-Meralco: Misis, delayed po kayo ng one month.
Misis: Ha? Bakit mo alam?
Taga-Meralco: Nasa record po.
Misis: Sasabihin ko ito sa Mister ko.
Mister: (Galit at nagpunta sa Meralco.) Bakit naka-record diyan
na delayed ang misis ko?
Taga-Meralco: Kung gusto ninyong mawala sa record, magbayad kayo!
Mister: Eh kung ayokong magbayad?
Taga-Meralco: Puputulan kayo!
Mister: Eh anong gagamitin ni misis?
Taga-Meralco: Pwede naman siyang gumamit ng kandila.

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by khupz on Thu Sep 11, 2008 9:45 am

Sa isang classroom...
Titser: Class, what is ETHICS?
Pilo: Etiks are smaller than ducks.
Titser: Okey, that duck will lay an egg in your card.

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by khupz on Thu Sep 11, 2008 9:45 am

Anak: Itay, nagpapatanong si ma'am kung ano
raw ang propesyon mo.
Itay: Sabihin mo, cardiologist.
Anak: Ano po ba ang cardiologist, Itay?
Itay: 'Yung taga-ayos ng radio sa car!

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by khupz on Thu Sep 11, 2008 9:46 am

Bush: What are the pollutants in your country?
Jingoy: We have lots of pollutants.. ..we have sisig, kilawin,
chicharon, mani
Erap: Anak, may nakalimutan ka, Boy Bawang

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by khupz on Thu Sep 11, 2008 9:47 am

Amo: Bakit ka umiiyak?
Katulong: Sabi po ni dok tatanggalan po ako ng butlig
Amo: Butlig lang iiyak ka na...
Katulong: Kasi ok lang kung right lig or left lig lang po..
pero bakit naman butligs pa.....

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by khupz on Thu Sep 11, 2008 9:47 am

Doc: Ano trabaho mo hija?
Girl: Substitute po
Doc: Hindi kaya prostitute?
Girl: Hindi po, mama ko po ang prostitute at kung may
sakit siya ako po yung substitute.. ..

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by khupz on Thu Sep 11, 2008 9:48 am

SIOPAO
Kulas: Miss, isa ngang siopao... 'yung babae.
Waitress: Babaeng siopao?
Kulas: Oo. 'Yung may papel na sapin. Kumbaga, napkin.
Waitress: Ahh, ganun po ba? Lalaki po ang nandito.
Kulas: Lalaki?
Waitress: Kasi po, may itlog sa loob.

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by khupz on Thu Sep 11, 2008 9:48 am

Toto: Pangarap ko, kumita ng P250,000 monthly gaya ni daddy!
Juvy: Wow! Ganyan kalaki ang kinikita ng daddy mo?
Toto: Hindi! 'Yan din ang pangarap niya!

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by khupz on Thu Sep 11, 2008 9:49 am

Dok: May taning na ang buhay mo.
Juan: Wala na bang pag-asa? Ano po ba ang dapat kong gawin?
Dok: Mag-asawa ka na lang ng pangit at bungangera.
Juan: Bakit, gagaling po ba ako ru'n?
Dok: Hindi, pero mas gugustuhin mo pang mamatay kesa mabuhay!

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by khupz on Thu Sep 11, 2008 9:49 am

Gustong malaman ng magkaibigan kung may basketbolan sa langit.
Nagkasundo sila na kung sino ang unang mamatay ay babalik upang
sabihin kung may basketbol sa langit. Naunang namatay si Dado.
Isang gabi, may narinig na boses si Rodel na parang kay Dado.
"Ikaw ba 'yan, Dado?" usisa ni Rodel.
"Oo naman!" tugon ni Dado.
"Parang hindi totoo!" bulalas ni Rodel. "O, ano, meron bang basketbol
sa langit?"
Sagot ni Dado, "May maganda at masama akong balita sa 'yo.
Ang maganda, may basketbol doon. Ang masama...
kasali ka sa makakalaban namin bukas!" (ngek!)

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by khupz on Thu Sep 11, 2008 9:50 am

Usapan ng dalawang bata...
Junjun: Magaling ang tatay ko! Alam mo, 'yang Pacific Ocean ,
siya ang humukay nun!
Pedrito: Wala 'yan sa tatay ko! Alam mo, yung Dead Sea ?
Junjun: Oo...
Pedrito: Siya ang pumatay nun!

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by khupz on Thu Sep 11, 2008 10:00 am

2 wives are buying gulay at a local market .

WIFE 1 : Everytime I see potatoes naaalala ko ang itlog ng mister ko.

WIFE 2 : Wow ! ganyan kalaki ?

WIFE 2 : Hindi, ganyan kadumi !

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by FloydSteven on Tue Sep 30, 2008 4:30 am

This was forward to me in an email. Nangyari daw sa bro niya.

Maid is cleaning bro room. Bro enters wearing only a towel (kakaligo lang). Maid starts to walk out of room.

Bro: Neng, isara mo ang pinto.

Maid turns around with tears in her eyes.

Maid: Kuya, h'wag po!!!

Bro: Gagah! Paglabas mo ng kwarto!!!

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by FloydSteven on Tue Sep 30, 2008 4:33 am

Another maid joke:

CALLER : Hello. Nandyan ba si _____?
MAID : Ay, wala ho.
CALLER : Ah. Alam mo ba kung saan sya pumunta?
MAID : Nasa taas ho (referring to the second floor of the house), baka nanonood ng TV.

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by FloydSteven on Tue Sep 30, 2008 4:36 am

Maid joke isa pa.

Unang linggo ng yaya nyang probinsyana. So sinama nya sa SM para manood sila ng sine. Nagpaalam ung yaya sabi punta lang daw sa CR. so un nga. pag balik nung yaya sabi daw nya sa ate ko....

Yaya: Ate, iba pala ang mga CR d2.
Ate: Bakit?
Yaya: Pag nag wiwi ka naka sabit pwet mo...

Tanga! Sa CR pala ng lalaki pumunta!

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by FloydSteven on Tue Sep 30, 2008 4:39 am

one more time isa pang maid joke

Amo : Inday pagdating ng Buyer ng Bahay sabihin mo
nag-sesecond thought pa kami ng Sir mo
Maid: Upu Mam !!

10 minutes later dumating na ang Buyer ng bahay.

Buyer : Saan ang Amo mo ??
Maid: Si Sir po at si Mam eh...nagsisikentut papu

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by khupz on Mon Oct 20, 2008 6:30 am

A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle. When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish. The waiter explains that the meatballs are bull's testicles, and when the bull loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is made.

The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner, but the waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant, but he can have it tomorrow. The diner agrees.

The next day the diner goes to the restaurant, and orders the testicle dish. When his food is brought out, he notices that the meatballs are extremely small.

He mentions this to the waiter, and the waiter replies,

''Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull wins''.

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by khupz on Mon Oct 20, 2008 6:32 am

An Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"?

"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm", she said.

Then he asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower"?

"Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she replied. He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"?

"We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived", the mother replies.

The mother paused and said to her son... "Tell me, Torn Rubber , why are you so curious?"

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by khupz on Mon Oct 20, 2008 6:36 am

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense!"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies.....

"Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by khupz on Mon Oct 20, 2008 6:37 am

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got !"

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JOKES TAU DYAN MGA BOSS

Post by MARKY on Fri Oct 24, 2008 3:19 am

COFUCIUS JOKES HEHEHEHEHEH
______________________________


Confucius say... Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.

Confucius say... If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.

Confucius say... Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

Confucius say... Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Confucius say... He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

Confucius say... Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.

Confucius say... Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.

Confucius say... Couple on 7 day honeymoon make hole weak.

Confucius say... Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.

Confucius say... Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge.

Confucius say.... Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Confucius say... Man who stand on street corner with hands in pockets, not feeling crazy, feeling nuts.

Confucius say... Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

Confucius say... Rape impossible. Woman run faster with skirt up, than Man with pants down.

Confucius say... He who run behind bus get exhausted.

Confucius say: Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.

Confucius say... Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

Confucius say... He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by coolzam on Sun Jan 18, 2009 9:12 am

Kids Are Quick
____________ _________ _________ ______

TEACHER: Jennifer, go to the map and find North America.
Jennifer: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Jennifer.
____________ _________ _________ ______

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ___
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D- I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
____________ _________ _________ ____

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
____________ _________ _________ _________ ___

TEACHE R: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
____________ _________ _________ _________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
____________ _________ _________ ___
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
____________ _________ _________ ________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
____________ _________ _________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
____________ _________ _________ _____
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by thonetteski on Wed Jan 21, 2009 12:24 am

Sen. lapid: "despite d recession, I am fervent in my belief that d country will not feel it coz my feng sui advisor says this is the year of d







oks !

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by thonetteski on Wed Jan 21, 2009 12:25 am

Sen. lapid: "despite d recession, I am fervent in my belief that d country will not feel it coz my feng sui advisor says this is the year of d







oks !

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Re: It's Joke Time

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