It's Joke Time

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It's Joke Time

Post by joeidoc on Sat Jun 14, 2008 12:25 pm

Post your jokes here. Green ones preferred, of course. Very Happy

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by easy rider on Sat Jun 14, 2008 9:59 pm

Let's check your English


The following is a letter found at a certain bar in Manila and has been preserved in its original, unedited form. Enjoy reading and you may try direct translation in Tagalog. Pls read with feelings...
------------
October 1996

To Marjie,

I am not surprise or wander why Dennis leave you. Why? What reason you can think about but you're very fat body. I thought before that Dennis only use me to his toy but sooner and later I'm realize that he really can't not beared or stomached to be with you anymore because at first, Dennis say he could not stand you're habit of making pakialam all his walks [lakad] and always calling to their house what he go home or this or that.

And then he say he get ashame to met iether in school or in his family and then asking you to exercise you're very very, very fat body. But you hate it. Thoughth your the most preetiest girls he knows about. What do you think you are "Beautiful Girl" of Jose Marie Chan?

Even you are beautiful face (to your think) you do not have the right to called me whatsoever or else different name one time or the other for the real purposed to insults my personality because I'm never call you names iether in the front of Dennis or in the backs of Dennis, but if you start already to calling me different name, I don't have any other choice but to call you other different name to. Like you are a PIG, FAT, OBESSED, OVERWIGHT, AND UGLY SHAPE girl. Shame to you're body that is to a BUDING.

You can't not blame Dennis for exchanging you to me because I am the more sexier than you when you look to us in the mirror.

I'm repeat again that you are like Ike Lozada when she is a girl.

Love,
The Sexiest Girl of D.M.

P.S. You say that I'm the bad breathe but who is Dennis want to kissed. Me or you? You or me? And the final is me. There you go.
Twisted Evil Twisted Evil Twisted Evil Twisted Evil

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by coolzam on Mon Jun 16, 2008 10:34 am

hahaha nice english...cnk kya yan?

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by patch03 on Mon Jun 16, 2008 6:28 pm

KILLER LINES

1. Minamalat na naman ang puso ko..
paano kasi, laging sinisigaw ang pangalan mo..

2. Ikaw ba may-ari ng Crayola??
ikaw kasi nagbibigay ng kulay sa buhay ko..

3. Uy papicture tayo!!
para ma-develop tayo!!

4. Kung ikaw ay bola at ako ang player, mashushoot ba kita??
hinde, para lagi kita mamimiss..

5. Can i take your picture??
coz i want to show Santa exactly what i want for Christmas!!

6. Exam ka ba??
gustong gusto na kasi kitang i-take home eh!!

7. Lecture mo ba ako??
lab kasi kita..

8. Centrum ka ba??
kasi you make my life complete!!

9. Miss pwede ba kita maging driver??
para ikaw na magpapatakbo ng buhay ko..

10. Mahilig ka ba sa asukal??
ang tamis kasi ng mga ngiti mo..

11. Pinaglihi ka ba sa keyboard??
kasi type kita..

12. I hate to say this but... You are like my underwear..
coz i can't last a day without you!!

13. Ibibili kita ng salbabida..
kasi malulunod ka sa pagmamahal ko..

14. Pwede ba kitang maging sidecar??
single kasi ako eh..

15. Me lisensya ka ba??
coz you're driving me crazy eh..

16. May kilala ka bang gumagawa ng relo??
may sira ata relo ko.. pag ikaw kasi kasama ko, humihinto ang oras ko..

17. Grabe nakakatawa yung mga pick-up lines noh?? hahaha! May alam ka pa bang iba?? Wala na akong maisip eh..
coz all i ever think of is you..

18. I'm a bee..
can you be my honey??

19. Nakakatakot diba ang multo??
pero mas nakakatakot kapag nawala ka sa buhay ko..

20. Am i a bad shooter??
coz i keep on missing you..

22. Naniniwala ka ba sa love at first sight??
Oh gusto mong dumaan ulit ako??

23. Mabilis ka siguro sa mga puzzle noh??
kasi kakasimula pa lang ng araw ko, pero nabuo mo na agad..

24. Excuse me.. Are you a dictionary??
because you give meaning to my life..

25. Bangin ka ba??
nahuhulog kasi ako sa'yo..

26. Pustiso ka ba??
kasi, can't smile without you..

27. Pagod na pagod ka na noh??
maghapon kana kasing tumatakbo sa isipan ko eh..

28. Me butas ba puso mo??
kasi natrap na ako sa loob, can't find my way out!!

29. Anung height mo??
ha?? pano ka nagkasya sa loob ng puso ko..

30. Hey, did you fart??
coz you blew me away!!

31. Sana "T" na lang ako..
para i'm always right next to "U"

32. Are you Jamaican??
kasi Ja-maican me crazy!!

33. Nde tayo tao.. Nde tayo hayop.
BAGAY tayo. BAGAY tlga tayo.

34. Ako ay isang exam..
kaya sagutin mo na ako...

35. Favorite Subject mo ba geometry
kasi kahit saang angle ka tignan ang ganda mo eh!

36. Keychain ka ba?
kasi you hold the keys to my heart...

37. Utot ka ba?
Kasi you take my breath away...

38. Bukas sisingilin ko na yung bayad mo sa renta.
Tagal mo na kasing naninirahan sa puso ko eh!

39. Google ka ba?
Kasi, lahat nang hinahanap ko nasa iyo na.

40. Para tayong nagsosoccer.
Kasi ang hirap makascore.

41. Di ka naman bulag ah!
Bakit di mo ko bigyan ng konting pagtingin?

42. Bangko ka ba?
Kasi Im saving all my love for you.

B: Punta tayo ng home for the aged. Mag empake ka na.
G: Baket?
B: I want to grow old with you...

B: Sana telepono na lang ako, ring ng ring.
G: Baket?
B: Para may pagasang sagutin mo ko...

B: Favorite subject mo ba ang trigonometry?
G: Baket?
B: Kasi, kahit sang angulo ka tingnan, ang ganda mo.

B: Ako na magbabayad ng tuition fee mo...
G: Baket?
B: Pagaralan mo lang ako mahalin.

B: Aanhin pa ang gravity?
G: Huh?
B: Kung lagi na lang ako nahuhulog sa iyo.

B: Excuse me...
G: Ano yun?
B: Kung didiretsuhin ko ang daan na to... papunta kaya to sa puso mo?

B: Nung makilala kita para akong natraffic sa EDSA
G: Bakit naman?
B: Coz, I cant move on

Mahilig ka bang kumain ng mais?
Ang corny mo kasi!!!

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by p0g1ng on Thu Jun 19, 2008 6:51 pm

patay na si DA King

kakalibing lang ni DAboy

ako na kaya ang susunod? Question ...



DAGUL

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by easy rider on Fri Jun 20, 2008 12:14 pm

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by easy rider on Fri Jun 20, 2008 1:43 pm

Help Wanted!

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by easy rider on Sat Jun 21, 2008 2:16 pm

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said.
"We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till
we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow."

You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs!

You don't mean . . ."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!" Twisted Evil Twisted Evil Twisted Evil
lol! lol! lol!

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by p0g1ng on Fri Jun 27, 2008 7:25 am

baket ang commercial ng shampoo pinakikita ang buhok, ang tooth paste, yung ngipin naman.

bakit yung sanitary napkin walang pinakikita?... san ba ginagamit yon?

Very Happy

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by alphawex on Fri Jun 27, 2008 5:45 pm

Boy Bastos

Nang lumabas si boy bastos mula sa kanyang ama madami silang magkakasama...

Sperm1 - yeheeeey!! Nakalaya na tayo!!

Sperm2 - Nasa Uterus na ba tayo?

Sperm na Boy Bastos - Tanga! Nasa Esophagus tayo!

_________________
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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by alphawex on Fri Jun 27, 2008 5:47 pm

May anak na lalaki si boy bastos na nagpakilala ng GF kay boy bastos...

Anak_ni_Boy - Dad! may ipapakilala ako sa inyo GF ko...inosenteng inosente ito..

Boy - Ows? Paano mo nasabi?

Anak_ni_Boy - Tignan mo ito ha..

(Inilabas ni Anak_ni_Boy ang kanyang patutoy at ipinakita sa GF)

Anak_ni_Boy - Honey ano ito?

GF - ahihi! Lumpiang Shanghai...

Anak_ni_Boy - O kita mo na! Isa pa..

Anak_ni_Boy - Honey ano ito?

GF - ahihi! kulit mo..lumpiang shanghai nga...

Anak_ni_Boy - Sabi ko sa iyo dad e!

Boy - Sige testingin ko nga!

(Inilabas ni Boy Bastos ang kanyang patutoy at ipinakita sa GF ng anak)

Boy - Ne, ano ito?

GF - Yan! Yan ang b*rat!!!

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by easy rider on Mon Jun 30, 2008 2:23 am

Men and Women

God made men and women to complement each other with the unique traits each were given:

WOMEN

Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy, and laugh when they are nervous. Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend, after a snowy drive home. They are child care workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes, and your neighbors. They wear suits, jeans, and they wear uniforms.

They fight for what they believe in. They stand up against injustice. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart-they know that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable. Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in houses, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin. Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want in return is a hug, a smile, and for you to do the same for people you come in contact with.

MEN

Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders...


Guys!..would you agree? Smile

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by easy rider on Mon Jun 30, 2008 2:26 am

dunno if this qualifies for ghost stories but it's worth a try Twisted Evil

My friend lives in Taal (small town in Batangas) where trees and high
land areas mostly surround it. One evening he went to town (Batangas
City)for a movie with his friends. He was having a lot fun before he realized it was getting very late. He quickly made his way home. It was unusually dark
and creepy that night.

As he was walking, he was astonished to find an old, creepy-looking
street peddler selling some books along the road. It gave him the shivers when
he noticed this pale old person staring at him. The old person said, "Son,
why do not you get a book ... it will keep you company". My friend acted
brave and thought why not. He had a look at the old man's collection

....his hair began to rise up on end when he noticed all the books were
related to the supernatural. Nonetheless, he found one that was very
interesting so he asked the old man, "How much is this, Uncle?" The old
person replied, "Well son ... that's an interesting book...its PhP
500." My friend was shocked and said "But ... but ... that's so expensive...
"The old man said nothing but glared at my friend which freaked him out. He quickly rummaged through his pockets and found PhP 450. "T-t-this's all I have" he said.

The old guy replied, "It's okay, son ....you can have the book for that
price."

As my friend hastily paid for it and made a dash for home, the old man
called out to him and said, "Son ... whatever happens, don't you ever
flip the book to it's last page ... remember these words ...or you will
regret it!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Reaching home, he quickly asked his parents, "Dad ... mom...are there
any new booksellers nearby ?" "Not that we know of ... but we've heard of a
creepy old man that appears only at night during a full moon and then
disappears just as mysteriously. Nobody knows who he is, or where he
comes from but many have become victims in his wake... why son?"

"N-nothing ...just asking", said my friend and ran straight to his
room. Nervously, he opened the book and began reading, all the time
remembering the warning the old man had given him. But after a while, he grew tired and fell asleep.

At midnight, as he was sound asleep in bed, a cold gush of wind blew in
through his bedroom window which startled him and sent chills down his
spine. He looked at his table and noticed the wind had blown the pages
of the book to its last page!!!!! For awhile, he laid in bed - frozen in
fear, but soon curiosity got the better of him. He had to know what was on
the last page. Slowly he got out of bed and carefully picked up the book.

As he glimpsed at the last page, he let out a blood-curling scream and
fainted ...

This is what he read on the last page:

Scroll down

































Retail Price : PhP 50.00
Promotional Price : PhP 25.00

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by easy rider on Mon Jun 30, 2008 2:28 am

TAGAYTAY GHOST STORY

This story happened a few months ago along the Tagaytay Road.

There was a guy who got left behind by a pack of motorcycle riders. The group was large and he didnt bring a cellphone. He crashed his bike somewhere between Picnic Grove and DBP. To make things worse, a storm came in. So he walked.

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night passed slowly and no cars went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few meters ahead of him.

Suddenly, just before the junction going to Manila, he saw a car slowly looming, ghostlike, out of the gloom. It slowly crept toward him and stopped. It was raining hard, wind blowing all around you, what would you do? Like you would, he got into the car and closed the door, then realized that there was nobody behind the
wheel.

The car slowly started moving again. The guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve. The guy started to pray, begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would
go off the road and he would plunge to his death, when just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.

Terrified, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally, the guy gathered his wits and leaped from the car and ran to the nearest place where there were houses.

Wet and in shock, he went into a store and voice quavering, ordered 2 bottles of Red Horse Beer, and told the people about his horrible, supernatural experience. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was apparently sane and not drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the same store. One says to the other, "Yan...siya nga yung sumakay habang nagtutulak tayo..."

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by joeidoc on Tue Jul 01, 2008 2:23 pm

Mrs ; Bakit kulang ang suweldo mo?

Mr : Dumaan ako sa beerhouse. YUng P200 binayad ko sa chit ko, yung P300
binigay ko sa nagsasayaw, walang damit eh, kawawa naman.

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by easy rider on Thu Jul 03, 2008 3:47 am

Tales From The Shire

Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker her to ta local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears starnge noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!"
In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn''t do it."

The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?"

"No. I couldnt get on the bed!"

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by alphawex on Thu Jul 03, 2008 6:17 pm

why we love our children

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd
found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you
know that the cat is dead?" she asked him
"Becaused I pissed in its ear and it did'nt
move," answered the child innocently. "You did
WHAT?!!" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy "I leaned over
and went "Pssst!" and it did'nt move."
-----------------------------------------------
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her
father. She stands next to the barber chair,
while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack
cake. The barber says to her "Sweetheart, you're
gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says,
"Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
-----------------------------------------------
An exasperated mother, whose son always
gettingt into mischief, finally asked hime. "How
do you expect to get into heaven?" the boy thought
of it over and said, "Well I'll run in and out and
in and out and keep slamming the door until st
Peter says "For Heaven sake , Dylan, come in or out!
---------------------------------------------------
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm
a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was
about to turn off the light, when he asked with a
tremor voice. "Mommy , will you sleep with me
tonight" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring
hug. "I cant dear," she saide "I have to sleep in
Daddy's room " A long silence was broken at last by
shaky little voice. ":The Big Sissy
---------------------------------------------------------
It was time , during Sunday morning service,
for the children sermon. All the children were
invited to come forward. One little girl was
wearing a particularly pretty dress and as she
sat down, the pastor leaned over and said "This
is a pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
----------------------------------------------
When I was sick months pregnant with my third
child, my three year-old come into living room
as I was preparing to get into shower. She said
"Mommy , you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes,
honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her
tummy." "I know" she replied, "but what's growing
in your butt?"
----------------------------------------------
One day the first grade teacher was reading the
story of Chicken little to her class. She came to
the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer.
She read. "..and Chicken Little went up to the
farmer and said, "the sky is falling!" The teacher
then asked the class, "And what do you think the
farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and
said, "I think he said: "Holy @#$%! A talking chicken"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next
10 minutes

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by alphawex on Thu Jul 03, 2008 6:20 pm

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts."

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.

Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.


MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.


**********************************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

Unfortunately, most of this part is the truth.


1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required space to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents into passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary; with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake. rendeer

_________________
[embed-flash(width,height)]life is short, ride hard![/embed-flash]

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by easy rider on Sat Jul 05, 2008 9:37 pm

Help Wanted!

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by easy rider on Sat Jul 05, 2008 9:39 pm

12- Pack

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''
The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''

The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by easy rider on Sat Jul 05, 2008 9:40 pm

Ang Mahiwagang Laway

Si Ahmed ay isang high-ranking official sa korte ni Haring Akbar.
Matagal nang pinakamimithi ni Ahmed na pagsawaang madede ang malulusog na dibdib ng Reyna. Tuwing mapapadaan si Ahmed sa harapan ng Reyna ay gayon na lamang ang pagkasiphayo ng kanyang kalooban. Isang araw, ipinagtapat ni Ahmed ang kinikimkim niyang pagnanasa sa pangunahing tagapayo ng Hari, si Birbal.

Umiiyak na nagmakaawa si Ahmed kay Birbal upang tulungan siya sa
kanyang suliranin. Pinag-isipan ni Birbal ang bagay na iyon, at pumayag siyang tulungan si Ahmed sa kondisyon na kapag natupad ang ninanasa ni Ahmed ay babayaran siya ni Ahmed ng 1,000 gintong kuwalta.

Agad na sumang-ayon si Ahmed. Humingi si Birbal kay Ahmed ng
kalahating tasang laway nito. Isinangkap ni Birbal ang laway ni Ahmed sa
mahiwagang losyon. Kinabukasan, habang n! aliligo ang Reyna, ipinahid ni Birbal ang mahiwagang losyon sa bra nito. Matapos isuot ng Reyna ang bra ay nagsimulang mangati ang mga boobs nito. Habang nagtatagal ay lalong sumisidhi ang pangangati ng boobs ng Reyna, kaya ganoon na lamang ang pag-aalala ng Hari. Hindi makatulog ang Reyna dahil sa pangangati ng kanyang boobs, at syempre pa ay bwisit na bwisit ito. Kung sinu-sino ang kinunsulta ng Hari, kabilang si Birbal, at nagkaisa sila na ang makagagamot sa karamdaman ng Reyna ay isang espesyal na laway na kailangang ilagay sa loob nang apat
na oras.

Isiniwalat ni Birbal na ang espesyal na laway ay matatagpuan sa
bibig niAhmed. Ipinatawag ni Haring Akbar si Ahmed, at inatasan itong dedehin nang apat na oras ang dibdib ng Reyna. Apat na oras na singkad na nagpapasasa si Ahmed sa boobs ng Reyna na mistulang asong ulol. Dinilaan niya iyon, kinagat, pinisil-pisil, n! ilamas, nilamutak. Nakamit ni Ahmed ang matagal na niyang hinahangad. Pagkalipas ng apat na oras ay masayang-masaya si Ahmed.

Nang magtagpo sila ni Birbal at sinisingil siya nito, tumangging
magbayad si Ahmed at ipinagtabuyan niya si Birbal. Alam ni Ahmed na hindi makapagsusumbong si Birbal kay Haring Akbar.

Minaliit ni Ahmed ang talino ni Birbal. Kinabukasan,ipinahid ni
Birbalang mahiwagang losyon sa underwear ni Haring Akbar. Muling ipinatawag ni Haring Akbar si Ahmed..............................

Tuloy ko pa ba ang kuwento? . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by coolzam on Sun Jul 06, 2008 5:54 am

ugali

Bobo: pare hulaan mo ugali ko, nagsisimula sa letter A
Pare: approachable?
Bobo: mali
Pare: amiable?
Bobo: mali pa rin
Pare: o sige siret na!
Bobo: ANEST wehehe!!!

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by joeidoc on Fri Jul 11, 2008 1:54 am

Alcohol
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer brewers have accepted the FDAs suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

1. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

2. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

3. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

4. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

5. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

6. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

7. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

8. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

9. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

10. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

11. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

12. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

13. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

14. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

15. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by evil_sperm on Fri Jul 18, 2008 5:34 am

Medyo luma na pero nakakatawa pa din...Very Happy

Ang Paghihiganti

Isang gabi, naglalakad ang isang lalaki sa may tulay nang may makita siyang babaeng nasa taas ng gilid nito at magtatangkang magpatiwakal.

"Huwag," sigaw ng lalaki. At sa kabutihang palad ay nakumbinsi ang babae at siya'y bumaba.

Lalaki: Ano bang problema mo't naisipan mong gawin yan.

Babae: Kasi, iniwan ako ng boypren ko't sumama sa ibang babae.

Lalaki: Miss, ganyan din ang problema ko pero di ko inisip na magpakamatay.

Babae: So, anong gagawin natin?

Nag-isip sandali ang lalaki at sinabi...

Lalaki: Kung gusto mo, maghiganti tayo sa kanila.

Babae: Paanong paghihiganti?

Lalaki: Alam mo na ang ibig kong sabihin... (sabay kindat sa babae na nakuha naman ni babae ang ipinahiwatig na yon).

Maya maya'y nasa isang kuwarto n! a sila ng motel at nangyari na nga ang di dapat mangyari. Nang makaraos si lalaki, nagsindi siya ng yosi.

Nang halos filter na lang ay biglang nagsabi si babae ng "Maghiganti uli tayo".

Medyo pagod, pero pinagbigyan uli niya ang request ni babae.

Nang makaraos uli, nagsindi uli si lalaki ng yosi. Nasa kalahati ! pa lang ang yosi.

Babae: Maghiganti uli tayo.

Medyo nangangatog na ang mga tuhod pero dahil sa hilig, muling pinagbigyan niya si babae.

Muling nakaraos ang dalawa. Nagsindi uli si lalaki ng yosi.! Unang hitit pa lang niya ay

Babae: Ganti uli tayo. Talagang lupaypay na si manoy niya pero para huwag mapahiya ay muling pinagbigyan niya ang kahilingan ng babae.

Pagkatapos kumuha siya ng yosi. Sisindihan pa lang nang biglang...

Babae: Ganti uli tayo.

Lalaki: 'TANG** NAMAN! PATAWARIN NA NATIN SILA!!!!

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by easy rider on Wed Jul 23, 2008 12:39 am

Wanted Ad
"HUSBAND WANTED,------ > > PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON."
A lonely spinster, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read: "HUSBAND WANTED, MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON."

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. The woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you....you have no legs!"

The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?"

With that, the old gentleman beamed a broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I"

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Re: It's Joke Time

Post by Sponsored content Today at 6:52 am


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